Jokes
From 1 to 101
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People Jokes
What do you call a baby after it's one day old?
Two days old
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you later
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and left leg in a car crash?
He's all right now
How can you tell when politicians are lying?
Their lips are moving
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones
I have 3 heads, 5 legs, 7 arms and 444 fingers. What am I?
A liar
What do Jack the Ripper and Kermit the Frog have in common?
They have the same middle name
Where was the Queen of England first crowned?
On her head
How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
100. 1 to change the bulb and 99 to do the paperwork
What’s Harry Potter's favourite school subject?
Spelling
What do you call a policeman wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want; he can't hear you
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic
How do you make a Mexican chilli?
Take him to the North Pole
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch
Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer?
He studied for the bra exam
Why do golfers wear two pairs of trousers?
In case they got a hole in one
Animal Jokes
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Humphrey
What do elephants have that no other animal has?
Baby elephants
Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
To a retail store
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
How do you stop a skunk from smelling?
Hold it's nose
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a car windscreen?
It's bum
What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
Dam
Do you want to hear something dirty?
A white horse fell in the mud
What kind of dog can tell you the time?
A watch dog
What do you do if you find a snake in your toilet?
Wait until it’s finished
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Wherever you left him
What's as big as an elephant, but doesn't weigh anything?
An elephant’s shadow
What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra
Silly Jokes
If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what happens to it?
It gets wet
What's the smallest room in the world?
A mushroom
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick
What's green and smells like yellow paint?
Green paint
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine
Do you want to hear a long joke?
Joooooooooooooooooooooke
What has a bottom at its top?
Your legs
How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a pack of cards
What’s the biggest letter in the alphabet?
P, nobody can hold it
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows that you can buy?
They're making headlines
What has four wheels and flies?
A wheelie bin
Have you ever seen a duchess?
It's the same as an English "s"
What has two hands but can't clap?
A clock
How do you make a sausage roll?
Put it at the top of a hill
What starts with E, ends with E, and only has one letter?
An envelope
Who can jump higher than a house?
Anybody, houses can't jump
What happens if you tread you on a grape?
It lets out a little whine
What word is always pronounced wrong?
Wrong
What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle
Doctor Doctor Jokes
Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains, what shall I do?
Pull yourself together
Doctor, Doctor, I need your help; everyone thinks I'm a liar.
I find that very hard to believe
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards, what shall I do?
I'll deal with you later
Doctor, Doctor, I need your help; I'm going to die in 30 seconds.
Hold on, I’ll be with you in a minute
Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm shrinking, what shall I do?
You'll just have to be a little patient
Doctor, Doctor, I need your help; I keep seeing flying pigs.
Have you seen a psychiatrist?
No only flying pigs
Doctor, Doctor, I need your help; I think I'm a needle.
I see your point
Doctor, Doctor, my daughter has just swallowed my pen, what shall I do?
Use a pencil
Doctor, Doctor, I need your help; I think I'm a goat.
Have you felt like this since you were a kid?
Doctor, Doctor, I need your help; I think I'm invisible.
Next please
Doctor, Doctor, I've got wind, what shall I do?
Buy a kite
Doctor, Doctor, I need your help; I think I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Doctor, doctor, I need your help; I keep seeing into the future.
When did this first happen?
Next Wednesday
One Line Jokes
The police caught a burglar hiding in the bath; he was trying to make a clean getaway.
Two goldfish are in a tank; one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
The police arrested two kids, one was eating batteries, the other was eating fireworks; they charged one and let the other off.
A physic dwarf escaped from prison today; the police are looking for a small medium at large.
The doughnut shop near my house closed down because the owner got tired of the whole business.
Two cannibals were eating a clown; one said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
A man walked into a bar, he said “Ouch”.
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only cling-film for shorts; the psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
Little Johnny ate his homework because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was a salted.
A man chopped off the bottom of one of his trouser legs and put it in a library; he thought it would be a turn-up for the books.
I must be getting better at parking; today someone left a note on my car window saying 'parking fine'.
You have the face of a Saint; a Saint Bernard.
The three rings of marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Men are like a pack of cards; you need a heart to love them; a diamond to marry them, a club to batter them; a spade to bury them.
I've been waiting to see that new Brad Pitt movie 'Constipated' but it hasn't come out yet.
I'm so broke that I can't even afford to pay attention.
The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at maths.
Lawyers; 99.9% of them give the rest of the profession a bad name.
Short Funny Stories
A blind man walks into a store with his guide dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "Are you ok? What are you doing?" The blind man replies, "Just looking around".
A criminal is bought before the judge. The judge asks him, “What are you charged with?” The criminal replies, “Doing my shopping early”. Surprised, the judge says “That’s no offence, how early were you doing this shopping?”. To which the criminal returns, “Before the shop opened”.
Two carrots were crossing the road when one was run over by a car. After taking the injured carrot to the hospital the doctor said "Well the good news is that your friend is going to live, the bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
A man takes his dog to the vet. "My dog won’t stop wagging his tail, is there anything you can do to stop it?" "Well" says the vet, "Let me have a look at him". So he picks up the dog and starts to examine his tail. After a couple of minutes, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?” says the man, “Because he's won’t stop wagging his tail?”. To which the Vet replies "No, because he's heavy."
One afternoon, a teenager returns home, hauling behind him a settee. Surprised at this, his mother asks, "Where did you get that from? We can’t afford new furniture." “Don’t worry” says the boy, "I was walking home and a nice old man, who was throwing it out, said that I could have it for free.” On hearing this, the mother hit him around the head. "What was that for?" screamed the boy in pain. "You stupid boy" shouted his mother, "What did I tell you about taking suites from strangers?”
Two men were waiting at a bus stop. Between them lay a dog. One said to the other “does your dog bite?”. The other replied “no my dog doesn't bite”. So he petted the dog and the dog almost bit his hand off. He said “I thought you said your dog doesn't bite”. “Yes I did, but that isn’t my dog.”
A drunken man walks out of a bar and accidentally bumps into a snobby woman. She looks at him and says, "You’re drunk, you should be ashamed of yourself". The man replies, “I am indeed drunk, but at least when I wake up I’ll be sober. When you wake up, you’ll still be ugly”
Sitting around the dinner table, Little Johnny enthusiastically announced that he’d gotten a part in the school play. “What part did you get?” asked his mother. “I play a man who’s been married for 20 years” he excitedly replied. “That’s great, son” says his father, “Keep up the good work and you’ll soon get a speaking part”.
Tiny Tom’s sister ran crying to his Mum and said, “He’s broken my doll”. His Mum was very angry and clipped him around the ear. “You’re such a bad boy Tom, why did you do this?” his Mum asked. “It’s not my fault” replied Tom. “I don’t want to hear your excuses Tom, go to your room” she returned. As Tom ran upstairs, his Mum asked his Sister how he broke her doll. She replied, “Well, I was hitting him on the head with it, and it snapped.”
A man parks his car outside a shop and goes into buy something. Ten minutes later a blonde salesgirl runs up to the man and says, “I just saw someone steal your car”. “Did you try to stop him?” asks the man. “No” she replies, “But I got the registration number of the car”.
A man walks into the Doctors and says, “I must be going crazy, I think I’m a moth”. The doctor replies, “That’s a problem with your mind, only a psychiatrist can help you. Why did you come to see me?” 'Well' the man says, “I was walking past your surgery and your light was on.”
David and Victoria were sitting their garden enjoying a glass of wine when a bird flew over and messed on top of Victoria’s head. She reached up, felt the damage, and shouted at David, “Quick, get some toilet paper”. To which David replied “It’s too late, it’ll be miles away by now”.
Jimmy was telling his friend that his brother got thrown out of the zoo last week. “Why was that?” his friend asked, slightly surprised about this. “Well, they caught him feeding the lions” explained Jimmy. “That seems a bit harsh” replied his friend, “What was he feeding them?” “The monkeys” answered Jimmy.
An antique dealer is trying to sell a man a skull. “What’s so special about this particular skull?” asks the man. “It’s Winston Churchill’s skull” replies the antique dealer. “Hmmmm, I’m not convinced” says the man, “It looks to small”. To which the antique dealers returns “That’s because it’s Churchill’s skull from when he was a little boy”.
Britney walks into a shop to buy some curtains. She goes up to the salesman and says, "I want those curtains in pink”. “Certainly” replies the man, “And what size do you need?” Britney pulls out a piece of paper with the measurements on and gives them to the man. “They need to be the size of my computer screen” she says. Looking surprised, the salesman informs her that, "Computers don't need curtains." “Mine does” replies Britney, “I've got Windows.”
Joey was doing some DIY when he ran out of nails. He went to the hardware store to buy some more and was approached by a sales guy. “Can I help you?” the sales guy asked Joey. “Sure, I need some nails” Joey returned. “How long do you want them?" asked the sales guy. "Oh, I need to keep them," replied Joey.
Two fishermen were out in their boat when a hand suddenly appeared out of the water. “Can you see that? “ said one of the fishermen, “It looks like someone’s drowning”. The other fisherman looks and tells him, “Relax, it’s just a little wave.”
Links
www.jokesjoke.com : Comprehensive jokes website. Jokes categorised by subject. Top 30 jokes section.
www.jokepier.com : Joke database. Top rated jokes section.
www.allfreejokes.com : Big assortment of jokes. Joke rating system used.
www.jokeswarehouse.com : Wide variety of jokes. Categorised by subject.
www.coolfunnyjokes.com : Good selection of jokes. Joke rating system used.
www.randomjoke.com : Random joke selector. Funny stories section.
www.kids.yahoo.com : Jokes for children.